SAFECON Fashion Dos and Don’ts

At the 2014 SAFECON competition kick-off Monday, the prestigious ground events room and its vicinity revealed some shocking fashion statements, some of which were acceptable, while others should have never left the FBO. It has become blatantly obvious that pilots have a very unique skill-set, strictly limited to flying aircraft, and therefore simply have no sense of what is right or wrong with their outward appearance. To counteract this most-unfortunate shortfall, we have compiled a list of fashion dos and don’ts for competitors to comply with during the remainder of SAFECON 2014.

1.) Fanny Pack, featuring Princess Sticker: DON’T
In the past, ‘fanny pack’ may have been the first thing you put on your annual SAFECON packing list. You hunted one down on the shelf at Walmart and perhaps even decorated it with a lovely princess sticker. “There is no better way to keep all my pens, pencils, highlighters, expo markers, and fold-up plotters together for the triple-threat ground events!” you once thought. Well, NOT ANYMORE. Grab a rubber band, slide them in your E6-B case, or even hold them in your dependable, airplane-flying hands; it’s your choice. All of the above will work splendidly, and you will not have excess baggage haphazardly strapped on, deterring from the supreme coolness of your embroidered polo during competition.

2.) Bedazzled Belts: DON’T
Belts can be boring, we get it. But please keep them that way.

3.) Teams Matching Other Teams: DON’T
“See and avoid” should be your motto after observing what other teams have come up with for their competition attire. It will be beneficial to you and your teammates to be easily distinguished from other teams. In other words, don’t be like Mankato. This team is back at SAFECON for the 3rd year in a row, and have not learned a thing. They still show up to practice week wearing golden-yellow t-shirts that are virtually identical to Daytona’s, and during competition week, out come the purple polos and black pants, eerily similar to K-State’s uniforms.

“I was practically scarred for life when I almost sat down by the wrong team at breakfast one morning.” said a Mankato competitor. “Daytona stays at the same hotel as us, and with everyone wearing the same yellow shirts, it’s a living nightmare. I don’t have a problem sitting by other teams, but in the morning? You just don’t know who is a morning person, and who isn’t…horrifying thought.”

Another Mankato native boarded a Daytona van one fateful morning, and didn’t even realize the coach was not Mankato’s until several minutes had passed, and the van had become filled with Daytona’s team.

Don’t allow yourself to be thrown into these disturbing situations. Get your own uniforms.

4.) Giant Watches and Aviators: DO
If there’s one thing every person at this competition knows how to do, it is fly airplanes. And everyone knows that it is impossible to do so without aviator sunglasses and a humongous watch, possibly even equipped with stealth E6-B capabilities. Keep up the good work, men! (And all 6 of you ladies too.)

Fashion is an icy runway, and if NIFA SAFECON apparel has taught me anything, it’s that embroidered polos are definitely around to stay.

~ Penelope Yak-Kamov, field reporter
Madame Katrina Storm, consultant

Competitors Stunned after NIFA Announcement

Dublin, OHimage

Early this morning NIFA announced some changes they would be making during this
years SAFECON, chief of which being the points awarded for different events. The power off and power on landings will now be only weighted at 20 points for first place while Message Drop would be picking up the lost points from the two landings.

With these changes the first place contestant in message drop will bring back 60 points for their team.

“This year we made a serious effort to evaluate the applicability of the events at SAFECON. We looked at every event individually and determined that the one skill that is most commonly used later on in students careers is most present in Message Drop. Proficiency in this event can lead to thousands of dollars worth of future gains, both for NIFA and our competitors. Think of it as an investment in our future, instead of another last minute rule change.” -Richard G Smith III

Immediately after the changes were released, hangar 7 erupted in thunderous complaints from every team present.

“I don’t understand why they didn’t do this sooner. We’ve been practicing message drop every week, and every student we have has benefited from it.”

“Just like NIFA, another last second rule change. At least this time it’s a step in the right direction.”

These proposed rule changes will drastically alter practices for some teams, but to get some perspective on the effects of the rule changes, the PGNN spoke to our Message Drop experts from Colorado Springs.

“The event itself is very basic and easy to practice, but difficult to master. Honestly competitors should be required to earn the title of ‘dropmaster.’ During our practices we’ve developed a ranking system where people in the event start out as a ‘drop apprentice third class,’ and move up until they eventually earn the title of ‘dropmaster.’ We really believe this kind of order is the key to success in this event.”

-Ace

SAFECON 2014 Blasts Off with Annual Talent Show

Dublin, OH

Today marked the start of the much anticipated SAFECON 2014, in Dublin OH.

The national event was kicked off this morning with the annual talent show, showcasing the various skills that each team brings to the competition. Some of the higher ranked performances were that of TSTC, The OSU, and ERAU-Daytona; yet every team elicited applause from the enthralled audience.

“It’s my favorite event by far. Most people think the landings or the ground event tests are the heart of SAFECON, but really, we’re only here for the talent show.” – Dick Smithers III

Shortly after the talent show had been concluded, some of the less anticipated events were held at a disturbingly far location.

While the PGNN was on site during the tests, no opinion could be formed, as it seemed like everyone had their own opinion about their test. Here are some of the comments the PGNN overheard:

“I looked at the Computer Accuracy exam and decided it would be more worth my time to draw on the answer sheet.”

“I definitely got a 180 on that test. The right answer was the first choice in every column, and the fill ins were all the same plane; easiest test I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, all I can say is at least I beat Scott J. Meyer this year.”

Check back for more #BRAKINGNEWS later on this week.

-Ace

 

 

Confused Competitor Boards Incorrect Aircraft

An aircraft similar to the one involved.

An aircraft similar to the one involved.

DUBLIN, OH – The investigation has just been wrapped up for an incident at the KOSU airport involving a competitor from one team and an aircraft from another.

For anonymity purposes, no real names of competitors or teams will be used.

During open practice prior to the start of this weeks #dangercon event, a competitor from a certain northern based team accidentally climbed into a competing teams’ aircraft in an attempt to get in some landings practice.
“He just looked confused, like he didn’t know where he was or why he was there.” Says a team member from the team that operates the 1965 Cessna 150E in question.

The aircraft was not harmed during the incident.

Though the individual at the center of this investigation claims to have no memory of the occurrence, he does admit, “that is easily the best looking aircraft I have ever seen, the straight tail makes all the difference. I am truly jealous that my team doesn’t have such attractive aircraft.”
The PGNN’s crack legal correspondent, Susie Scott, acquired an affidavit submitted revealing the details of the event.

The suspect walked right up to the airplane, brushing aside other competitors as he went. He got in, shut the door and put his seat belt on, asking the bewildered people around him where they were headed today before he realized his mistake and left without a word.

“This is a serious breach of security.” Reports a NIFA spokesman.

-Wally Camberton

HUGE BRAWL ERUPTS AT LOCAL RESTAURANT

Dublin Emergency Services responding to the crisis

Dublin Emergency Services responding to the crisis

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DUBLIN,OH – The local Dublin Piada restaurant was rocked by a huge brawl which erupted after the teams of the University of North Dakota and Embry-Riddle Prescott met as they waited in line to order.
Preliminary reports show that the confrontation started after a member from one team cut another in line. The fight resulted in at least 6 injuries, and several ambulances where spotted rushing to the scene. Fire trucks also responded to reports of smoke emanating from the Italian restaurant.

When questioned by PGNN reporter Tokarev Colwinski, the coach from Prescott responded, “No comment.”

Though it is still unclear what the extent of the damage to the building is, judging by the five car pileup on Sawmill Road in front of the establishment, it is safe to assume that the Piada will be closed for some time.

-Wally Camberton

BREAKING NEWS: Chemtrail Confirmation

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DUBLIN, OH

The PGNN always reports the real news and doesn’t delve into the popular controversies unless incontrovertible proof is found. Early this morning, the PGNN found the proof it was looking for.

At approximately 4:15 am on Sunday, May 11th, a chemtrail factory located on the Ohio State University airport exploded, sending the toxic chemicals all throughout the great city of Columbus.image

Photographs from the Ohio State University Airport clearly show thick white fog associated with the chemtrails commonly produced by commercial aircraft.

“Typically chemtrails are released in concentrated amounts over specified areas, which is why they appear to be in a line in the sky. In this case, there was an explosion at the plant which caused all the chemtrail chemicals to form a massive cloud over the city” -Kim Sheridan, noted conspiracy theorist.

As far as the PGNN has heard, the chemicals released are not entirely toxic and are safe to breathe for short periods, however may cause brain damage in small children and the elderly.

As of press time, NIFA has not yet issued any comment on their involvement in the chemtrail conspiracy.

-Ace

Tire Vandals Strike

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Discord ensues after a stunning attempt at competition sabotage.

An unknown vandal struck Eagle One from Embry-Riddle, Prescott, yesterday, causing frustration and emotional distress.image

“I don’t know if I can make it to the general contestant brief, my heart is just so broken, I’m devastated. Being in that room, with all those people, knowing one of them has the cold, dead, black heart required to do something this debaucherous to our beautiful plane.” -Kyle Thannisch

Yesterday at approximately 2:40 pm, the pristine tire markings on N31ER were defaced beyond belief. The proper authorities have been notified, and we’ve been informed that a crime of this magnitude will warrant a full manhunt.

Current suspects include the Denim Denim Gorilla, the entirety of Kent state and Mankato, and any other person in Hangar 7 at any point yesterday.

-Ace

NIFA Front Approaches

Dublin, OH

As competition approaches, so does the NIFA front, as is tradition. Typically characterized by high winds, low visibility, and thunderstorms; it is always on track to hit the first day of competition.

PGNN Weather Correspondent Professor Doctor Gary Peters gave us some updates on the upcoming NIFA front.

“It’s not the worst one yet. I haven’t seen anything over 50 dBz in the area, so I’m not freaking out. The NIFA front is over Illinois right now and on its way to Columbus faster than a competitor late for their landings slot, and we can expect to see the usual signs associated with a NIFA front. A short rain spell has already hit Columbus, however expect it to get much worse as the week progresses.”

PGNN field reporters have sent in astute observations about the weather that corroborate with the forecast given by our esteemed Weather Correspondent.

“I can’t see the sun anymore. #NIFAFront” – Axel Tamsel

“It’s wet outside, and I don’t like it.” – Michelle Bowler

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Inside hangar 7, several teams shelter from the poor weather, as evidenced by the rising number of complaints.

 

 

 

 

 

More updates on the NIFA front later this week. #NIFAFront

-Ace

The PGNN is back.

After it’s seasonal hiatus, the PGNN has returned for the annual event known as DANGERSAFECON. Once again our lead reporters are on the scene, ready to report breaking news, 25 hours a day, 10 days a week.

Unfortunately the PGNN is currently understaffed, due to being forced to cut a number ofkeep-calm-we-are-back--49 our less productive journalists in order to fund the campaign for the NIFA v. Paramount Pictures lawsuit. Despite this, be prepared to get your news from an all star crew, including field reporters Yvonne Fitzgerald, Alfred O’Donnel, and Patrick Brown, and our award winning meteorology reporter, Professor Doctor Gary Peters.

As of the 9th of May, most schools have arrived for the “air meet” in Columbus, OH; and the locals have started to take notice.

“It was scary, all at once there were so many of them, I didn’t even know what was going on,” and “I heard they were pilots, so I thought it was going to be professional,” are just some of the comments that PGNN staff have overheard while staking out the coffee and donut shops in the area.

Local business owners on the other hand applaud the arrival of SAFECON competitors to Dublin; “I’ve never seen [Firehouse Subs] so busy at 10 am on a weekday, we’re loving the rush of pilots everyday; though I’ve never heard the same story so many times from so many different people before.” said Firehouse Subs media correspondent Virginia Hamm.

Check back over the course of the next few weeks for more updates on #BrakingNews, the NIFA Front, other current events, and all your DANGERSAFECON news needs. Yea.

-Ace

Mysterious Man from UND Seen in Hanger

Prescott, AZ

Just one day after news broke of possible foul play, new evidence has emerged in the spygate fiasco. PGNN senior correspondent, Viktoria Ligorski has blown the lid off this developing story with just the simple shutter of her camera phone. Viktoria caught the man in the camouflage hat closely inspecting a competitors airframe.

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Pictured here in the disguise of a backwards facing headlamp hat, a trusty Coleman flashlight held in the firm grip of his right hand, and a Casio timepiece drawn tight around the left wrist.

This nauseating new evidence sheds new light on an already intriguing story. The motives behind the aircraft pat down are still unknown. When approached for questioning, he slipped away into the night, avoiding the sharp rocks and undulating terrain of the Arizona high desert under the guided light of his headlamp. 

The events are still under investigation and no ruling has come down from the commissioner at this time, however the case seems to be gaining steam as the layers of this complex plot are unraveled.